I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
