I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
