I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Randomize
