i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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