I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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