just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
