I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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