So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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