There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize