I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
