You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Alive.
So much puke
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Randomize
