apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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