I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
