I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
