Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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