I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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