im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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