I'm sorry my penis didn't work
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
it's like iHOP with fire
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
