I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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