I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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