i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
