So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
