Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
