I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
