ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
