for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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