even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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