The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
