Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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