my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize