I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
