Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
