somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
