Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
