do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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