She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
