i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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