suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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