just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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