Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize