I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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