We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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