Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
