A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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