i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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