For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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