Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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