Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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