my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
