he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
