I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
