The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize