so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
