do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
