Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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