i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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