So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
