Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
