You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
