I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
