you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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