uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
