My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
