God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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