I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
