She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
