The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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