You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
